I thought I would share a customer service chat I just had with a gal named Holly who happens to work at my bank. Bless her heart.
Holly: Hi! Thank you for being a valued Bank of the Disillusion customer My name is Holly. May I know your full name and last four digits of your account number?
You: Pinkie Pinkster...****
Holly: Pinkie, A very warm welcome to our online chat service!
[Don’t try to distract me, Holly! I know the game you’re runnin’.]
Holly: How are you doing today?
You: Fine and you.
[Notice how I just stated this. Thus the use of a period and not a question mark. Holly did not notice.]
Holly: Good to know that you are fine
Holly: I am doing fantastic!!!
[Well, you are now...Holly...give it a few minutes...]
Holly: Thank you.
Holly: How may I assist you with your checking and saving accounts?
You: I just called the 800 # for your bank to dispute a debit card charge. It is for a debit made on 02-03-10. The agent told me she wasn't sure if I could go back that far to make a dispute and gave me a telephone number of a department to call to find out. The number I wrote down was 800-336-1121 but I get Budget Rent A Car when I call that number.
You: I wondered if anyone there could help me with this instead.
Holly: Yes, that is the incorrect number.
[See...this is where I thought we were both on the same page. That’s what I get for thinking.]
Holly: In order to file a dispute I recommend you call us on 1.800.432.1000. We are available from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., Monday to Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., Saturday and Sunday, Local Time.
Holly: Just press "0" you will get connected to the specialist
You: I did call that number. That is who told me to call this other number.
[Silly me, I must have been unclear before. I should really try harder.]
Holly: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.
[At this point, I’m having to “hold” online for Holly. I don’t know what Holly was doing while I was waiting on her. Maybe praying to the Good Witch Glenda...maybe ordering something with Amazon...maybe texting her BFF...I don’t know but it took about 5 minutes for her to come back.]
Holly: That is the correct number.
You: Which number is correct?
[Really, give me a clue here, Holly, cause a minute ago you said a number was incorrect. I’m just trying to follow the bouncing ball here.]
You: Okay, let's try this again.
[Can you see the steam coming out of my ears yet? Now’s probably a bad time to check my blood pressure.]
Holly: Is there anything else I may assist you with today?
[Hold the phone!!!! Did I not just say “let’s try this again?” I type for a living but I’ve got a lot to say so could you please give me a chance to “try it again”????]
You: I called 800-432-1000. I spoke with Diane. I told Diane what my issue was. Diane at 800-432-1000 told me she was not sure BOA could allow me to dispute a debit made on 02-03-2010 since it was over a month ago. She told me to call 800-336-1121 to ask if this department could process a dispute over a month old. I called that number but it is a number for Budget Rent A Car.
Holly: You will be able to file a dispute within 60 days of the transaction posting to your account.
[Well, Holly, that’s news to Diane!!!]
You: Diane at 800-432-1000 told me she was not sure I could. That is why she told me to call the dispute department directly but the number she gave me was incorrect. Can you give me the dispute department direct dial number?
[I thought at this point maybe I should try smaller sentences.]
Holly: I really apologize for the inconvenience which has caused to you over the phone,
[I can tell. Really. I can tell. I bet you spent that five minutes I was “on hold” telling all your cube mates how bad you felt for my inconvenience. ]
Holly: That must be very upsetting. I can understand.
[Evidently Holly thought it was time to try shorter sentences, too.]
You: So I have to call back the people that told me to call someone else?
[Makes perfect sense. Why didn’t I think of this earlier???]
You: I'm sorry but this is very frustrating in dealing with your company. It always takes two or three calls, emails or live chats to get something fixed or answered.
[I thought I would explain to Holly why they are not on our Christmas Card list.]
Holly: I understand how frustrating this must be.
Holly: I'm sorry about this.
Holly: I apologize if there’s been a misunderstanding.
Holly: I can see why you feel that way.
[I think Robot Holly’s batteries are running down...]
You: So you can't help me with this. You can only tell me to call the number I've already called and try again?
[I really tried not to go to my snarky place. I really tried.]
Holly: I do apologize for the inconvenience, I do not have the system access to assist with a transaction dispute.
You: Okay. Thank you very much. I will try again. Wish me luck.
[Snark. Snark. Snark.]
Holly: I really appreciate your understanding and co-operation with me in this regard.
Holly: Pleasure is all mine, as it is always nice to serve a great customer like you.
[Save the butter for the next person. I’m on a diet.]
Holly: Is there anything else I may assist you with today?
Holly: I am sure it will be resolved for you this time.
You: That is all. Thank you.
[Evidently, Holly does not read blogs and does not understand the dismissal value of “That is all.”]
Holly: You are a very friendly customer!!!
Holly: Thank you for being such a nice customer!!!
[I am now starting to get scared. I think I should log on and make sure my money is still all there.]
Holly: Co-operative customers like you make our work a lot easier.
[I’ve seen 24. I now decide to move away from any windows just in case Holly has a direct line to a sniper service.]
Holly: I would like to personally thank you for banking with Bank of Disillusion, where your business is greatly appreciated.
[O.M.G. I just threw up in my mouth a little.]