Monday, October 5, 2009

Wasting yourself.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."

That's a pretty powerful idea.  Do you know who said that?  You might be shocked.

It was Kurt Cobain, lead singer of Nirvana.

All I can say is "Amen, Brotha!"  And that I wished I had heard this comment back when I was spending the majority of my energy wasting myself on wanting to be someone else.  That would have really saved me a lot of self-induced heartache.  I hope that this comment makes it into my head and I remember to pull it out and use it if Bean ever starts wishing she were someone else.

Back in my  early twenties, I was in another world.  (Weren't we all?)  But really, I was married once before.  I got married for a ton of reasons.  Not really any of the right ones though.

Don't get me wrong.  I did love my then-husband whom I now lovingly refer to as "the circus midget".  But I don't think I loved him the way that you should when you are considering committing yourself and your life to someone else.

When I met my circus midget, I wanted to be "in love".  I wanted to be a grown-up.  I wanted out of my mother's house.  I wanted to wear "the dress".  I also didn't want to be the girl that never got married.  Even though in my mind I never really saw marriage in my future, I still didn't want to be the girl that never got married.

My mother was opposed to my marriage.  If I had listened to her, I would have saved myself a ton of heartache.  But I truly think I would have missed out on learning a lot about myself.

Reading this quote again today though reminded me about my first marriage and how I felt during it.  I was never comfortable with myself when I was married the first time.  Never.  I was always second guessing myself and I was always wishing I was more than I was or that I had more than I had.

I recently ran into my ex-sister-in-law.  I hadn't seen her since the circus midget and I split up.  I truly missed her.  I wished I could have kept her in the divorce.  I didn't keep in touch with her because it was too painful to me at that time.  I was afraid that through her I would hear stories of my ex's new life and it would be too hard to bare.

But I remember always wanting to be just like my ex-sister-in-law.  (We'll call her Alice because she is tiny and full of energy and that reminds me of Twilight's Alice.)  Anyways, Alice was always popular.  She always seemed to have it all together.  She had a great husband, a wonderful home, and during the time I was married to her brother, she had one beautiful baby girl.  She had every single thing I wanted.  She had my life.  That's what I thought.  I didn't hate her for it at all.  I loved her.  I just hated myself because I couldn't be like her.

I hated me so much that I couldn't find one redeeming quality about myself during that time.  I was completely miserable.  I would just berate myself every single day because I didn't have the things or the life that I wanted.  And I felt that my hands were completely tied in getting the things I wanted.

I wasted so much energy in wanting to be like her that I wasted what I did have.  Now, I'm not saying that this was the whole reason that it didn't work out between my ex and I.  There were definitely other reasons involved.  But I don't really think I realized my part in it all until I read this quote.

That may seem strange.  It does to me.  But I have always compared myself to others and always fallen short.  Sometimes in my life, I have spent too much time doing this and other times it's just been a passing thought here and there.  But this one quote made me realize exactly how much time I spent hating myself and wanting to be someone else during that time.   I wasted myself on an image of perfection that I couldn't obtain.  And the funny thing that I think about now is if I had stopped to ask Alice if she thought her life was perfect, she would have laughed and said "no way".  I see that now.  I just wished I had spent that energy into being a better me and not a clone of her.  I wished I had appreciated my life and not wasted me the way I did.

And I pray that I will be able to teach my little girl that she doesn't have to worry about being perfect or being someone else.  All I ever will require her to be is the happiest person she can be.  I hope I can instill in her the things that she will need to be satisfied with herself and at peace with who she is.  If I can help her learn that, then she will never waste herself.

She is exactly who I prayed for all those nights.  She is my world and my heart and she is completely perfect to me.
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